I’m boycotting the Oscars, guys!

I know, I know: “Whatever will the Oscars do if Humpy doesn’t watch them this year? They’ll be ruined!” Nevertheless, I feel like someone needs to make a stand against the Sandra Bullocks of the world. As you may have heard, Sandra Bullock has been nominated for a Best Actress Award for her role in The Blind Side, in which she plays a rich honky who adopts a black kid who eventually turns out to be a successful football player. Rich honkies, whatever would black people do without you?? THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!

Take it from somebody who’s been married THREE times (as far as I know): The institution is OVERRATED. Let’s take Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey the First, for example. Lovely woman—if you exclude the blackout rampages. I thought we were staying together for the sex, until I learned that almost every sexual experience was later classified as a blackout rampage. (Hey, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it!)

Then there was Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey the Second. Again, perfectly charming, salt-of-the-earth kind of gal… when she wasn’t huffing silver spray paint. However, on the upside, she was very creative while under the influence, and would create psychedelic yet extremely detailed paintings of the times she would have sex with hobos behind a dumpster. (Last Christmas, I purchased one for Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey the First.)