It’s pre-bowl season now in the college sports world, the period when your Saturdays are spent clicking aimlessly between non-conference college basketball matchups and TNT’s weekly screening of Independence Day. The only other thing of note occupying your time is the ongoing assail of the BCS system. But the truth is you’re wasting your time. There will never be a playoff system, let’s accept that and instead use the other list of bowls strictly for comedic value.

Here are some bowls I propose the NCAA or whatever group of pharmaceutical companies, financial institutions and tortilla chip makers implement next season:

Guess what? No one we know in this region, likes, cares or has any desire to watch the Utah Jazz. Well, not at least since Stockton retired his thigh-bearing shorty shorts and Malone traded his one-hand-only dunks for rifles and shotguns of varying size and purpose. Still, Utah Jazz games continue to mysteriously and inexplicably appear on local cable despite the fact that the games aren’t listed on that fun sliding color-coded programming chart.

What Usain Bolt did at the IAAF World Athletics Championships in Berlin earlier this month, breaking the 100 and 200 meter world records while capturing the bi-annual event’s sprint races, is, well, insane, simply off the charts, the sports story of the year.

Bolt won the two races in record times of 9.58s for the 100 meters and 19.19s for the 200, breaking marks the Jamaican sprinter set at last summer’s Olympics in Beijing.

In events where the difference between first and fifth can often be as minute as a body lean or a slightly askew stride, Bolt is putting visible distance between himself and his competition.

Memories from a baseball season as the play-by-play announcer for the Bend Elks on 106.7 KPOV:

The most horrifying, sickening sound in baseball is the contact of a baseball with a face. Tommy Richards, current Washington State player and the son of Elks’ owner and general manager Jim Richards, was struck in the face by a fastball in the Elks’ 6-4 loss to Corvallis in the West Division championship series. Six broken bones in his nose and cheek. Good news—no damage to his left eye. Still get chills.

Does the West Coast League have a rule limiting the number of mascots who are allowed to parade around a stadium at one time? Geez, four does seem a bit excessive, even if one is Ronald McDonald.

Bend head coach Scott Anderson delivering the lineup to home plate while wearing a surgical mask after serving a two-game, league imposed suspension for being tossed, in large part, for employing foul language during a “discussion” with an umpire.

More than 3,000 jammed into rocking-and-reeling Vince Genna Stadium for the aforementioned 6-4 playoff loss to Corvallis on a Tuesday night.

Peter Lavin’s masterful three-hit shutout, leading to a stunning 1-0 post-season game two victory over Corvallis in the post-season. The Elks lost the series, 2-1.

Bobby Evers speeding around the infield at Vince Genna Stadium on the landscape buggy. Yes, the Elks’ players are responsible for diamond preparation for home games.

Listening to the crowd sing/belt out the lyrics of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” night after night after night…

A walk-off single by Jordan Leyland before more than 1,500 celebrating fans on July 4, giving the Elks’ a 5-4 victory over Corvallis.

Corey Valine’s steady play in the field, key hits. And, his refreshingly earthy perspective off the field.And so many more...When does next season start?

Am I on Steroids?

Guess what? You might be on steroids. Last week, it became known that David Ortiz tested positive for one (or more than one) of those pesky performance-enhancing drugs back in 2003. But Ortiz says that he has no clue how he could have possibly ingested or been injected with steroids and they must have somehow been in some supplement he was taking.

That’s right, this man unknowingly took steroids, just like Barry Bonds, Manny Ramirez and several other ball players who’ve used the “I don’t know how that got in my system” defense after testing positive. This gave me pause, thinking: Could I, too, be unknowingly juicing?