The author is reporting from a bunker, surrounded by brilliant gold.

The confusion over the past week is understandable, as President Obama suddenly emerged as a Reagan-right-winger. Even this column was proved utterly wrong; none could have guessed that our president was indeed a trickle-down-your-leg traitor.

Elected as a liberal until being declared a Socialist by Republicans whose version of traveling abroad is crossing the county line, Obama made a deal this week that shook more than heads. Costing $850 billion and confounding poor folks who hate the rich people who employ them, Obama’s gamble to continue unemployment claims for millions included the outsized ante of more tax breaks for America’s elite. Get this: 3 percent of all beneficiaries will receive 38 percent of the breaks in the present legislation. Sounds fair to me, if only I had a job or an estate.

The author is reporting from a cell in Britain, patting Julian Assange on the back.

By the time you read this, America will have added another trillion (or several trillion if/when anyone reads the bill) dollars to our shared debt. On the eve of this incredibly stupid moment and hot on the heels of President Obama’s “Deficit Commission” recommending that we don’t do dumb things like spend hundreds of billions on war machines we’ll never use or give tax breaks to rich people who don’t really help the economy because they don’t live hand-to-mouth like the rest of us poor folks, let’s play the game, “Who Said That?”

The author is reporting from the Slurpee Summit, slipping magic powder into our leaders’ drinks so they can actually solve something.

“This is an abuse of power,” declared disgraced former House Speaker Tom “The Felon” DeLay after a jury deliberated 19 hours to find him guilty of two counts of money laundering while rigging elections. Not the recent midterms, no, but every election Republicans have ever won, rigged with dirty money.

The author is reporting from a couch, awaiting pie.

As large fowl are slaughtered like Iraqis and our individual rights under the last Republican leadership, then devoured like Obama’s credibility for daring to clean-up their mess, let’s take a look at the ugly stuffing that makes this week so tasty.

The author is reporting from rehab, watching a literal squawk box, some annoying bimbo making the beautiful state of Alaska look ugly.

When we’re forced to choose between molestation and strangers seeing our privates via X-ray, the terrorists have won. Hand Al Qaeda a trophy, bring back the troops, ground the drones and shutter the Pentagon. Republican fear mongering under the Bush-Cheney junta and overreaction, surrendering our rights to rent-a-cops renamed TSA security, has led to a revolt by the public, pilots and airline employees. Don’t screen my sack and keep your fingers out of my carry-on!

The author is reporting from “ObamaCare” and hoping his doctor didn’t drink the tea.

No more slanderous ads, robo-calls from famous people who would never give you their number. Shhh… Secret strategy sessions, appointments, impermanent power divvied in dark rooms. The post-midterm election hush has been unusually brief.

The author is reporting that 3 in 4 Americans think things are “going badly” in our country. What a shock after this upbeat election…

SWAT teams were called to the D.C. Capitol building Tuesday night when a woman described as “crazed and unblinking” refused to surrender her gavel. Later identified as suddenly-former-House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, the melee mellowed after she was granted one last chance to stand at the podium and grab her long list of enemies. In the desolate Nevada desert 2,626 miles away, suddenly-Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer leaned on a shovel to wipe sweat from his brow, for the first time in his career happy cameras weren’t there, smiling while burying the career of fellow Democrat Harry Reid. Somehow the Senate Majority Leader lost to Tea Party activist Sharron Angle, someone who managed to win without granting any interviews, only running a smear campaign that would make Joseph Goebbels proud.

Of course all of this is speculation, since this column is due on the day of the midterm elections, but predictions of a Republican sweep will be proven unfounded. Democrats did get swept yet Republicans didn’t win whatsoever; concerned citizens, corporations, racists and the altogether ignorant under the guise of the Tea Party ousted moderate and effective elected officials in favor of idiots who will be ignored once in Washington. The Constitution was written on a dead cow, and efforts to whiteout unpopular amendments (civil rights in the 14^th, birthright citizenship in the 15^th and the 16^th’s empowering the federal government to collect a tax on income, just to name a few) will reveal the Tea Party akin to cholera in Haiti.

A timely reminder of why we gave Congress an enema only two years ago is the trial of former House Majority Leader Tom “The Hammer” DeLay this week. If you’ve already forgotten about DeLay you should rethink casting that vote on Tuesday: Indicted for illegally funneling corporate money to get Republican candidates elected (sound familiar?), DeLay was also under investigation for ties to lobbyist (now convict) Jack Abramoff and defrauding Native American tribes of millions (since saying “our relationship is over”) before resigning in disgrace in 2006.

The Who wrote lyrics for this moment: “Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.” The song was “Won’t Get Fooled Again” but, hey, we’re Americans and will fall for anything TV tells us.

Don’t trust your mail, either. Packages from Yemen are more loaded than hot-pants on Halloween, and this trick seems to be spreading: A parcel bomb addressed to the Mexican embassy exploded in Greece on Monday, injuring one. Last Friday, several packages from Yemen were identified to be carrying the explosive PETN (Panties Explode the Nuts) and on their way to the U.S.A. How did we find out? A former GITMO detainee who was released to Saudi Arabia for “re-education” (read: happy hypnotizing) sang to authorities about the plot. “It is my understanding that these devices did not need somebody to detonate them,” said John Brennan, President Obama’s assistant for Homeland Security and counterterrorism. Good intelligence work saved lives and planes from going boom, but the public response is striking: Many suspect politics were at play, with Obama using scare-tactics to ebb election losses; others point to the reality that Obama is a Democrat, and only Republicans use fear and invasion to parse terrorists from patriots.

Speaking of patriots and/or terrorists, BP and Halliburton are feuding over who’s to blame for the cement slurry that failed to reinforce the Deepwater Horizon well. According to the Presidential Commission on the resulting catastrophe: “Neither [BP or Halliburton] acted upon” data that the cement was unstable, but both kept drillin’ baby drillin’ until the rig exploded, releasing millions of gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico. Seven months later, 11 oilrig workers dead, untold environmental damage and gas prices rapidly rising, no one has been arrested, BP just reported $1.8 billion in profits and the ban on offshore drilling now lifted.

Need a drink yet? You better skip booze in favor of heroin or crack, according to a study released by The Lancet this weekend. Alcohol is far more harmful to society, receiving a score of 72 of 100 for being bad, while crack and meth (and alcohol) are more harmful to individuals. Pick your poison: F-up society or yourself? This Bend: Go big or go home.

Another unusual finding: Guess the most popular name for boys in the UK? Oliver, Jack, Wanker? Nope, Mohammed. Though spelled differently, because Muslims still can’t decide on their prophet’s true name (the least of that religion’s contradictions), 4.6 percent of the UK’s population overwhelmingly wants their sons stopped at airport checkpoints and, now, Mailboxes Etc.

Strange days, indeed. Take Ted Sorensen dying on Sunday at 82 as a sign. Speechwriter for JFK, “ask not what…” and who really wrote the young senator’s Pulitzer Prize-winning “Profiles in Courage,” the White House needs a séance to channel Sorensen—stat!

Don’t feel too blue. Republicans now have to do something, anything, other than voting “No!” As Nancy Pelosi smokes medical (and legal) dope with San Fran’s MLB champion Giants, and Harry Reid still remains missing, the most hated black man in America is smiling. Yep, Randy Moss has been cut by the Vikings after criticizing his then current team, praising his former head coach and conducting a third-person interview with himself rather than engage the media who love a train wreck.

Oh, and every president who lost the House during midterms has won reelection. Congratulations, Republicans and corporations, President Obama has six more years of socialist bliss, and you have this inbred insurgency called the Tea Party to please.

The author is reporting from D.C., in a mall full of hipsters and hippies all looking to restore sanity, and someone named Molly.

A bizarro world was revealed on Sunday when Republican National Committee chairman Michael “Not of” Steele and Republican smear-mongerer Karl “Turd Blossom” Rove appeared on opposite talk shows. As Steele insisted on having no knowledge of shadow groups pumping billions (yes, billions – this election will cost $3.2 billion) into Congressional races on “Meet the Press,” Rove brought papers proving the dirty money and donor nondisclosures to “Face the Nation.” Steele is under fire in his party for not raising enough or supporting GOP candidates in need, yet still predicted, “An unprecedented wave on election day that's going to surprise a lot of people.” Meanwhile, from his alternative universe, Rove is flush with cash and blaming “liberals” for inventing this mess, calling it and the Tea Party, “wholesome, patriotic and incredibly positive for the country.”

The author is reporting from a shale formation, selling shares to suck methane.

A former governor’s son, former Madam, homophobic slumlord and the “Rent is Too Damn High” party candidate are all standing on a stage... The start of a hilarious joke? Nope, the New York State gubernatorial debate. I met one of these fine candidates years ago (maybe two, if the Madam’s employees count), Carl Paladino jacking up prices at his gas pumps before our meeting, so let’s just say the Empire State will also be won by “none of the above.”

The author is wondering why FoxNews.com reads like TheOnion.com. Hilarious headlines abound!

Things not to do if considering running for elected office: Confess on camera to being a witch and giving SNL a reason to stay on the air; pose in photographs dressed as a Nazi; question capitalism or electioneering; write a political column that mocks everyone. Indeed, this has been a week of toxic triumphs for those needing delousing.

The author is reporting from a Druid gathering, a group now recognized as a religion in Britain, tax advantages and sexy cloaks included.

A lovely Virginia road a weekend ago, autumn leaves exploding, the terror of cop lights flashing ahead. Thinking they’d finally found me and wishing my dog Stu a swell life after I’m arrested, the signs became clear: “Thank God for Dead Soldiers” and “God Hates Fags.” Westboro Baptist Church had arrived, protesting a hero’s funeral at the Williamsburg Community Chapel, somehow equating dead soldiers with their own (thus God’s) disapproval of homosexuality in America. This flock is clearly lost, not in Kansas anymore, Virginia that day then D.C. to defend their 1^st Amendment rights this week.

The author is reporting from a city infested by mutant monsters. Not another lame zombie or vampire flick, but New York City under siege by bedbugs.

Remember 1994? A half-million slaughtered in Rwanda, Nancy Kerrigan’s knee clubbed to help Tonya Harding, O.J. “maybe” killing his wife and lover, Richard Nixon mercifully dying, and a guy who left his wife on her deathbed for a better offer named Newt Gingrich announcing something called “Contract With America.” That contract had eight key policy points, and helped Republicans win the midterm elections.

The author is reporting from Fort Pocahontas, not where John(s) Smith’s and Rolfe’s sexy squaw made camp, but where the United States Colored Troops defeated the Rebels in 1864.