Monday, Feb. 28

Terminally delusional: Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi tells reporters: “All my people love me. They would die to protect me.” Well, except for a few hundred thousand who would like to kill you … Maybe not so delusional: Charlie Sheen, appearing on NBC’s “Today Show,” says: “You can’t process me with a normal brain” … All in the family: Bristol Palin signs deal with her mother’s publisher for book describing her experiences as, among other things, unwed mother and “Dancing With the Stars” contestant … Policeman, save that elk: Bend PD wins Humane Civil Servant Award from Humane Society of US for rescuing cow elk from frozen pond last December … Take that, union-busters: NY Times/CBS News poll finds that by a margin of almost two to one, Americans support unions’ right to collective bargaining … Take that, robotic overlords: US Rep. Rush Holt (D-NJ) beats IBM computer Watson in a round of “Jeopardy,” partly avenging Watson’s earlier humiliation of two human “Jeopardy” champions.

Tuesday, March 1

Nobody wants you when you’re down and out: As if Qaddafi didn’t have enough troubles, Galyna Kolotnytskaya, described in news accounts as his “voluptuous blond nurse,” flees Libya, returns to her native Ukraine … Dodging the bullet, temporarily: House Democrats and Republicans agree on bill to keep government running for another two weeks while they try to work out a long-term budget deal … Geographical confusion: Former Arkansas governor and Republican presidential aspirant Mike Huckabee tells radio host that President Obama “was raised in Kenya.” Hey, Kenya isn’t far from Hawaii, is it? … Legislative first: Abortion foes in Ohio plan to call nine-week-old fetus as witness in favor of anti-abortion bill. An ultrasound image of the fetus’s beating heart will be projected on a screen. No word on how the fetus will be sworn in.

Wednesday, March 2

Politics ain’t beanbag: Wisconsin Democratic Party raising money for recall campaign against union-busting Republican Gov. Scott Walker. Meanwhile, Republican lawmakers introduce bill to make prank calls illegal, insisting it has nothing to do with embarrassing call to Walker last week from journalist pretending to be David Koch … Rebels on the offensive: Foes of Qaddafi rout loyalist forces in fierce battle near oil port of Brega … Big win for freak speech: US Supreme Court rules Westboro Baptist Church, those morons who show up at soldiers’ funerals with signs saying “God Hates Fags,” etc., have First Amendment right to do it … The Michael Vick of soccer? Colombian Luis Moreno apologizes to the nation for fatally kicking an owl – mascot of the opposing team – as it lay stunned on the field after being hit by the ball. Moreno also will pay the bird’s medical bills.

Thursday, March 3

There they go again: US Rep. Trent Franks (R-AZ, where else?) says he would “absolutely” support impeachment of President Obama over administration’s refusal to enforce the Defense of Marriage Act … Starting to look like a long one: Libyan rebels dig in around port city of Brega as drive to remove Qaddafi appears stalled … Playing hardball: Republican state senators in Wisconsin get court order for arrest of 14 Democratic senators who fled state to prevent passage of anti-union bill; Democrats say order is unconstitutional. Meanwhile, usually GOP-leaning Rasmussen Poll finds majority of Wisconsinites support the unions … Get the message, Greg? Crowd of about 80 chanting, sign-carrying protesters shows up outside US Rep. Greg Walden’s Bend office to rebuke him for voting to cut off federal funds to Planned Parenthood.

Friday, March 4

Brewer’s Praetorian Guard: GOP-backed bill in Arizona (where else, again?) would allow Gov. Jan Brewer to set up her own military force “for the safety and protection of the lives and property of the citizens of the state” … Down is looking up: Latest national numbers show unemployment down to 8.9%, lowest since April 2009 … Double standard? Republican presidential prospect Mike Huckabee denounces Natalie Portman for “glamorizing” single motherhood by having baby “out of wedlock.” This reporter is wondering when Mike will blast Bristol Palin … ROTC readmitted: Harvard University, which kicked out ROTC 40 years ago, agrees to allow program on campus again following repeal of military’s Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy … Automotive arachnophobia: Mazda has to recall more than 50,000 cars in US because tiny yellow sac spider loves smell of gasoline and likes to build webs in gas vent lines, clogging them.

Saturday, March 5

Ultimatum time: Gov. Scott Walker warns state employees in Wisconsin he’ll begin laying them off in a month if legislature doesn’t pass his “budget repair” (i.e., union-busting) bill … Billionaire David Koch says he doesn’t know Walker, laments being depicted as “bad guy” for supporting right-wing causes. Heartbreaking, isn’t it … Feeling a little insecure: Deschutes County District Attorney Patrick Flaherty, citing what he calls “extreme security problems” with present DA offices, tells county commission he wants new ones … History repeats: One day before 20^th anniversary of beating by LAPD that touched off major riots, Rodney King gets pulled over again for “driving erratically.” Well, twice in 20 years ain’t too bad.

Sunday, March 6

Oh, that daffy Qaddafi: Government TV in Libya broadcasts claim that pro-Qaddafi forces have recaptured three cities; however, residents and reporters in those cities say nothing happened … Meanwhile in Bahrain (that’s a little island in the Persian Gulf) tens of thousands demand resignation of Prime Minister Shaikh Khalifa bin Salman al Khalifa, who’s been in power for 41 years … It’s gonna be a long, long 20 months: Mitt Romney, in what appears to be kickoff to his 2012 presidential campaign, rips “Obamacare” in New Hampshire speech, cites “Obama Misery Index” of unemployment, foreclosures. Republicans better hope economy stays in the crapper … Save the sharks: California legislature considers bill to outlaw possession or sale of shark fins, main ingredient of shark fin soup, a Chinese delicacy. Chefs in San Francisco’s Chinatown object strenuously … In other important developments, Charlie Sheen didn’t do or say anything especially crazy today.

Monday, Feb. 21

Qaddafi on the brink: Regime of dictator Muammar Qaddafi looking shaky as he and aides hunker in presidential palace; foreign oil companies bail out of Libya; deadly attacks against protesters continue … Take that, birthers: Former Arkansas governor and sometime presidential aspirant Mike Huckabee, appearing on ABC’s “Good Morning America,” says claims that President Obama wasn’t born in the US are “nonsense.” Guess he can write off the loony vote … Where are they now? Former Idaho Sen. Larry Craig (he of the wide men’s room stance) is lobbying for a hunters’ group that wants to take endangered species protection away from wolves… Former Olympic figure skater and alleged Nancy Kerrigan-whacker Tonya Harding gave birth to a healthy baby boy over the weekend, a friend of the family reveals … And now, Monday’s important news: Justin Bieber gets a haircut and Portland firefighters rescue a puppy stuck in a drainpipe.

The Middle East ablaze: Iranian government uses force to quell protests … Pluto’s replacement? Two scientists at the University of Louisiana think they’ve found a ninth planet in our solar system that’s four times bigger than Jupiter. Maybe they’ll call it “Goofy” … Bieber Fever! In an apparent act of revenge after their downy-cheeked demigod was upset by jazz bassist-singer-composer Esperanza Spalding for “Best New Artist” at the Grammies, Justin Bieber fans hack Spalding’s Wikipedia page. Nasty exchanges between Bieberites and anti-Bieberites go on for 13 minutes before Wikipedia editors lock the page … Fevered Beavers! After Oregon State University says no, students raise $4,000 on their own to pay for self-styled feminist pornographer Tristan Taormino to speak on “Claiming Your Sexual Power” … Please sir, may I have another: President Obama unveils budget that cuts programs for middle-class and poor people. Republicans (big surprise here) say it doesn’t cut deep enough.

Tuesday, Feb. 15

Mini-Snowpocalypse! Sneaky snowstorm dumps a foot or so of concrete-like glop on Bend; downed trees and power outages ensue … Storm dusts higher elevations of Portland; panic ensues … Who could have guessed: Jailed Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff, in first prison interview, says banks and investors he worked with “had to know” his activities were not exactly kosher. “But the attitude was sort of, ‘If you’re doing something wrong, we don’t want to know’” … Who could have guessed, cont.: Rafid Ahnmed Alwan al-Janabi, code name “Curveball,” admits he made up stories about scary weapons of mass destruction that the Bush administration used to justify invading Iraq … Another Middle East flare-up: Thousands swarm into streets of Bahrain to

Monday, Feb. 7

Bloody Cairo: At least 297 people have been killed in Egypt’s anti-government uprising, according to Human Rights Watch … Must’ve been a slow news day: Glenn Beck rips into Super Bowl players for not standing with their hands over their hearts when Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem. This reporter had both hands over his ears … More scary Mayan Calendar stuff: Reported shark attacks worldwide were up 25% in 2010; shark expert calls it “hugely unusual” … Getting off easy: Prosecutors say no charges will be filed against Lindsay Lohan for allegedly swiping a $2,500 necklace from a jewelry store.

Monday,

Jan. 31

Second Amendment fun: Utah Legislature considering a bill to make the Browning M1911 handgun the official state firearm. “It's an implement of freedom that has defended America for 100 years,” said the bill’s sponsor, Rep. Carl Wimmer. “This firearm is Utah” … Unconscious irony: Former US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, a chief architect of the Iraq war and supporter of torture, wins “Defender of the Constitution Award” from Conservative Political Action Conference. Must be a different Constitution than the one I know … Family squabbles: Barbara Bush, daughter of ex-President George W. Bush, backs gay marriage initiative in New York; her dad supports an anti-gay marriage constitutional amendment … Didn’t get the memo: TeleSource Center, a telemarketing outfit, says it’s moving to new offices in Bend to accommodate its growth. Somebody forgot to tell them they were supposed to leave Oregon after Measures 66 and 67 passed.